it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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