I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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