my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
