UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
