I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
