I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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