I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
