Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
