He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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