I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
