my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
