you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
