turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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