He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
