I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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