Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
