My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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