Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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