I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
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