Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
