Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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