i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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