my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
