she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
how drunk are you?
Several
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
