Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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