the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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