I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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