Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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