She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
