I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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