Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
