Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
