I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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