Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
