this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
