It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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