theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
