im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
