Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
