Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
