Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
