remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
