somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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