Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
