I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
