Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
