I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
