I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
cat food counts as protein by the way
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
