I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
