:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
