I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
